Beautiful Disaster

He is my definition of perfection. Not much about our love will ever change. My life is complete when he is here.

"Oh cause I don't know, don't know what he's after. But he's so beautiful, he's such a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter. Would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?"

-

Reckless Love

In all honesty, I feel as if I am living in Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet".

I feel whole again, complete. I don't know how else to describe it, I feel.... relief. The problem that has been holding me back from him for so long has been released, he's proved to me in so many ways that he is truly in love with me. And yes, there are many problems that lie ahead of us. I am not going to pretend that this relationship has ever or will ever be easy. But now we know, we know what it's like to live without each other. We both almost felt dead, like a very distinct part of us was missing. And now we're complete. We have problems, like most people in love. However, I feel if we have made it past everything that has happened to us in the past two years of loving each other, we can truly make it through anything.

However, the worst part for me is knowing that my family doesn't approve. I know they love me regardless but I want them to be proud. I want them to understand that living without him is like living without air. Yes, we are young... but he is my best friend, one of the few people that understands me. I just want their approval and their support. I will show them. I will show my whole family the wonderful person I can be... and will be. Honestly, I don't think I could have carried on much longer without him. It's terrifying to think like that, but it is the truth.

From someone on the outside looking in at me these last few weeks, they would see it if they chose to. See the pain and suffering I've been trying to hide. There were many times that I sat smoking a ciggarette with my best friend and I knew she recognized the pain threatening to rise over the surface of me. Neither of us talked about it, because she knew there was nothing to say that could have helped. So for the most part, she kept me busy. I am so thankful that I have a best friend as amazing as her. I don't think I would have made it without her. Thank you.

And then there is the issue of his family hanging over my head. I have always felt horrible for putting pain on them, but I think I am starting to let that guilt go. Because it is not a crime to love someone. I wish I could be a different person in their eyes, but I never will be. I honestly do not think anyone could ever be good enough for their son in their eyes. They are protective and possesive of him. And I know they love him fiercly and that will never change. I also know that he adores them, and it is eating him alive hurting them in this manner... over me. But he claims that I am worth it. He knows that they need to let him live is own life. I just pray that it will work. Because I know that the love, friendship and compassion we share with each other is one of a kind.


"These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume."- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.3

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty till this night."- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 1.5

"Tis torture, and not mercy. Heaven is here... where Juliet lives, and every cat and dog and little mouse, every unworthy thing, live here in heaven and may look on her,But Romeo may not."- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 3.3


You know what the difference is between us and Romeo and Juliet is? I won't let us end up being a fucking tragedy.

Logic

Things are better. Not completely, but I'm focused on regaining my life back. I want independence. When I emerge from this, I am going to be a new person, full of confidence, radiance and commitment. And I can't wait until the day where I say "Wow, I am really in the place that I want to be in right now."

My past relationships have failed for the same reason, different circumstances, but all in all... the same reason. I blame myself more than I blame them, for letting things happen to me. I am not perfect though and I made a lot of mistakes as well, some of them that I will hold in me until my dying day. Some secrets should never be let go of... ever. I am very aware of what to avoid in my next relationship though.

I want to wake up. And blame all this madness on a much too over-exaggerated dream. Everything. Not that it wouldn't hurt to know that I never lived the best two years of my life, but to put to rest the feeling of not being wanted. If I could go back and change things... oh my, there would be so many to change. But first and foremost, I would change falling in love with him. I just handed my heart away, I handed everything away for that matter. Every little piece of me was directly given to him, with no hope of seeing it ever again. I am mending. I am not going to ever get thoses pieces back, they are his to keep. But I will forge new, better pieces, and I think that is my only option.

Strength

I've been content the last few days... but I am putting that off as having good focus, keeping myself busy, and being around people. I still can't eat and now it's starting to worry me. I think I might go away this weekend, I need it... but that would mean time off and I don't think I can afford that right now. I'm doing much better, and I'm proud of myself. Starting to hit a healthy spot feels right but at the same time wrong. I think it's more of me just accepting what I haven't wanted to accept. Hearing what I never wanted to hear. I can feel us drifting away, and it's so odd because I am okay with it. I think I might want it to happen. At least I could put my mind in an even healthier place if it did happen. The bond we share is just too startlingly real to just drop it, impossible I might even say. But I am happy again, in some ways. I have, in a way... maybe even a sick delusional way, found an antidote to the hole searing in the core of my body. It's easing the pain, showing me that it can disappear if I let it. Now the only question is, am I ready to forget?

Hope and Resolution

I am trying not to let the hole consume me. It's troublesome, I want to give up the fight, but I am not that girl... I will not pity myself because of the troubles I have been handed. There is something and someone better out there for me, and I know in my heart that I deserve the best. You have to hurt someone and be hurt before you can truly understand love. Knocked both of those down... I regret what I did to the first person I loved (I was not in love with him, but I cared very deeply about him). He cared so immensely about me and I took advantage of him because I was young and naive. I am not sad that it did not work with him, because I know that we are both better people now because we are away from each other. But no person, in this world ever deserves the type of pain that I feel right now, and that I now know he felt over me. I would apologize sincerely to my dying day to him for afflicting that on him. It truly is hell. And now I am getting a big fistful of Karma, and it's gonna take a whole lot of labor to get through this. But I am working forward, and in the end will be so much better than this mess of things. I have to look forward and not back. There is no way to accept someone back into your life after time, and now I have realized that. "The past is a forever part of my present and future." And I will hold on to this feeling for the rest of my life but I refuse to let it slow me down.... EVER. You will not be the fall of me.

Pain

I truly believe I am going to waste away soon. This pain is too much to bear. If anybody offered me any type of escape... I would take it. The whole in my chest and stomach has taken permanent root in my body. It's like a parasite, feeding off of every last thing I have to give. Every hope, every dream, every feeling. It's sucking the life out of me. How can there be any life left anyways after these last few weeks. I'm caving and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and at times I feel like I can't even breathe. And the worst part is, no matter what anyone says to try and console me it will never work. It will never ease my pain. They tell me it will dull over time, but I don't believe that. I know what I'm losing. He is everything, and I already feel the emptiness of nothing. I thought I knew love, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into... I had no clue. Everything in the past has been me being a young, naive, stupid teenager. I feel nauseated.

Pain

I don't know how to not suffer right now. It feels like everything has fallen apart for me. His love kept me alive and now everything will be dull and bitter and wrong. We love each other, that's not the problem... it never has been. The pain that I have experienced in the last month is enough to last a life time. I know it's just the beginning and the hole in my heart is still raw. I just hope it is able to mend itself over time.