Progress

Working on myself. I'm on a mission.

"You'll never have more time than you do RIGHT NOW!!!"

Running

Yesterday was day five of running. Can't say for sure but I think I've found my calling. Running makes me happy. Tonight I'm going to ouch myself and try to make it even further than my normal run.

Healthy

I'm really excited about working to get back in shape. I feel like running brings me joy. I have been going on daily walks with Henry for about a week now. We've just been going around our area and up this hill by my apartment. Yesterday we started running and it feels great. I want to get in shape and finally be healthy. At this point though, I'm not solely focused on losing weight. I'm running because I enjoy it and it makes me feel exhilarated. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I am on a journey to become the person that I want to be. I am also going to start meditating and doing yoga to calm myself and become a balanced and peaceful person.

To be honest, I do not know what else is going to come but I am already feeling much better about who I am. I finally feel like I'm pulling myself out of a funk.

I'll write soon. 💛

Breathe

I am finally starting to feel like I can breathe again. I have been suffering for so long. Awareness is the first step to moving forward.

Soul

Going to be doing some soul searching soon. Stay tuned...

Writing

“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”
― Madeleine L'Engle

My Strength

"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest." (Luke 12:25-26)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him." (Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)

Myths

"All myths contain a grain of truth, Ms. Lane. I've handled books and artifacts that will never find their way into a museum or library, things no archaeologist or historian could ever make sense of. There are many realities pocketed away in the one we call our own. Most go blindly about their lives and never see beyond the ends of their noses. Some of us do."

-Karen Marie Moning

The Road Not Taken

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference."

-Robert Frost

Dreaming

The feelings that I have are unhealthy and my hopes are unrealistic. At times the emotions are overwhelming. I mostly feel angry at myself for allowing my delusional mind to get extremely carried away.

My dreams are the worst.
When I wake up, I sometimes blur my reality with the dream. It makes waking up and facing my life all the more depressing.

Given the choice between my reality and my dreams, I would choose to live in my dreams... Every Time.

Turning Page

I’ve waited a hundred years
But I’d wait a million more for you
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours would do

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
Well I would have known
What I was living for all along
What I’ve been living for

Your love is my turning page
Where only the sweetest words remain
Every kiss is a cursive line
Every touch is a redefining phrase
I surrender who I’ve been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I’ve been living for all along
What I’ve been living for

Though we’re tethered, to the story we must tell
When I saw you, well I knew we’d tell it well
With the whisper, we will tame the vicious scenes
Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees

Learning

Love is everything. Find it, and enjoy every minute of it. It fades.

I'm back...

I haven't blogged in two months!!! Okay, well a lot has happened. I have been so busy. Alex and I are getting ready to move into a new place, it's a lot bigger than our current apartment and we're very excited. It's in a much nicer area (Rancho San Diego) as well. On May 19th, at the beach, Alex asked me the question that every girl waits her whole life to be asked. There is a picture below. We are very happy. Just wanted to write something short about what has been going on. I will be writing again soon. There won't be anymore two month absences.

Different

"I am too young to understand that a man and a woman can love each other so deeply that their hearts beat as if they were one heart, and yet, at the same time, know that they are utterly hopelessly different."

-Philippa Gregory

Familiar

"It's natural in times of great perplexity, I think, to seek out the familiar, and the high shelves and long rows of neatly lined-up spines were immensely reassuring. Amid the smell of ink and binding, the dusty motes in beams of strained sunlight, the embrace of warm, tranquil air, I felt that I could breathe more easily."

-Kate Morton
The Distant Hours

Letters

"It started with a letter.... For it is said, you know, that a letter will always seek a reader; that sooner or later, like it or not, words have a way of finding the light, of making their secrets known."

-Kate Morton
The Distant Hours

Beautiful Day

I don't usually love the sun... but today is nice. Lunch under the umbrella at work. I got an iPhone yesterday. Still obsessed with it.

Good Morning

I haven't written lately because I needed a break from sharing my thoughts with the world. So, I bought a journal. I've been writing often and it helps that my words are for my eyes only. I hope it rains this weekend. I live for that kind of weather.

I have some great quotes that I'm going to write out in a little, they're from the current book that I'm reading. It's called The Distant Hours by Kate Morton. Definitely worth the read.

Absence

I haven't written in a while.
It's been a shitty month.


I'll write soon.

Leap Year

The last time that I went through this day, I was 17 years old and about to graduate from High School. I feel as if that was a lifetime away. I am a completely different person now. For the most part, I think that I am a better person. At 17, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted from life. Life changed. Yet, I am so grateful for where I am and the person that I have grown to be. I am in love with the most wonderful man in the world, well at least my world. He is the light in my life and I wouldn't give up a single moment of our time together for anything.

Well leap year, I'll see you when I'm 25. Let's see where life takes me.
And February, I'll see you next year.

Distance

There's too much distance between the two of us.
I miss you, it's strange but I do. I became too used to the attention that you used to give me. Maybe it's all in my head, but for a while I felt like something was very real between us.

Henry

My love bug. <333

Sketch

Rain & love.

I'll take my chances

What am I losing if I lose faith in you?

Maybe I'm just crazy, but I'm not the only one to recognize this ridiculous chemistry. I feel crazy just thinking about it. Life is about taking chances, I'm not living under the heavy weight of "What if?". I don't have time for bull shit.

Tree Tunnel

My favorite place in the world. The tree tunnel in Kauai. True beauty.

Apathetic

I wish the rain would come back. I feel completely at peace when it rains.

I haven't written in a while because I feel as if I have been "going through the motions" lately. Mostly, I've been focused on getting healthy since I was told I have a kidney infection. Other than that, there is nothing note-worthy to write about. I'm disappointed in myself because I haven't worked on my book or poems in over a month and I haven't painted since before summer. Honestly, I've felt somewhat apathetic lately. I wish I had something to look forward to. I'm just venting, for the most part, I know if I took the time to look at my life and digest it, I would find my self content and comfortable. However, there are those moments in my day where I catch a glimpse of the life I truly want. The glimpses like to nag at me constantly. Which is why I am surprised that I have been so apathetic lately. It's most likely because I notice he seems apathetic as well. Just a slight shift between our interactions, but noticeable enough to me.

I'm praying for someone tonight, a person that has been distant. I know something is wrong, but I do not know the reason. I hope that you find reassurance and strength to make it through your current struggle.

Recovering

I'm recovering from a really bad kidney infection.
This week has been a living nightmare.

And on top of that... work has been intense.

Old Poem

This poem was written when I was 17, I guess it has a completely new meaning now. I still feel like it's connected to who I am. The poem sounds naive, inexperienced, and far away. However, it's still extremely special to me.

Written 8/8/2008:

So paint a picture of a potential love.
Ember skies and future fields of flowers.
A girl who knows a boy,
and a boy who wonders how well he knows himself.
The envious trees and the speak no- nothing stream.
Curious grass and an orange glow.
He fascinates her, she will remain a mystery to him.
The paint will rub on with joy and eagerness.
The truth is the paint is her hope for just one more day.
She will teach him new things if he let's his stubborn heart float away.
The boy from the painting has dark unsure eyes
and will not let go of his past.
All of his emotions are painted with a shakey nervous hand.
Carefree, humorous, and giggly...
the girl from the painting will show him that his spirit remains alive.
She loves him, even though he chooses to leave her as she is.
He knows why he can not, or rather will not be with her.
His heart will remain hurt, he could fall in love with her.
The painter finishes, and lays her work out to dry in the cold winter sun.
He spoke words that meant everything and nothing to her at the same time.
"And if I told her that I loved you, the memory of us would fade."

Real

Spending the night with my best friend. I need this.

More importantly, I need time to get everything together. For the first time in my life, I feel like I need to be alone. I want solitude, I want to reflect on where my life is headed. Sometimes, you can't help how you feel about somebody... even if it's irrational. The most comforting fact that I can cling to at this point is that God has a plan for me. Everything in my life has come together except for the romantic facet of it. Thank God I have Jazmine to knock sense into me when I need it. It might be a hard year ahead, but it will be one filled with lessons that I need to learn. I am going to grow into the person I want to be.

My feelings are crazy, intense, and irrational.

However, they're the most real thing that I have ever felt. I am not going to deny them. I am going to work though them.

2

"Night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses ...

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender
Turn your face away
from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away
from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night..."

Green Eyes

"Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now that I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you."

Image

The image I always dreamed of is here, but it's distorted.
Dreams are my reality.
Actual reality is a disappointment.... for now. I plan on changing this.

Chance

There is a man that I fall in love with every time I look into his eyes, but then I wonder.... will we ever make it? Is there even a chance?

What happens when the timing is all wrong?
Or maybe, the timing is just right.

Expected

I went to the doctor's office again today hoping they could finally diagnose me with something. Nothing. I am losing hope with the medical system. I went today hoping to have a resolution and left confused and feeling more sick than I ever have.

I need support.

Bad day

I am ridiculously depressed today.
It's even more frustrating because I can't pinpoint the exact reason why I feel this way.

2011

Oh 2011...
You have been a great year for me. This has been the best year I've had since 2008. Everything has come together. And I am at least with peace with all issues that are unresolved.

Review of this year:
-Spent the majority of time with my best friend Jazmine and my godson Sidd.
-I bought my 2011 Toyota Corolla!
-Alex started working with me.
-Alex & I moved in together, in our first apartment.
-I got a promotion to Sales manager at my job!

Those are the top things that happened this year and I feel so blessed.

Let's see what 2012 brings! <33333333

Christmas

Christmas was truly wonderful this year. I am so blessed.
I saw almost all of my family. And for the first time, Alex joined my family and me for Christmas dinner. My Grandpa loved Alex immediately and I am so relieved because he is a hard judge. My Grandpa barely said two words to my last ex. I just feel so grateful that my prayers are being answered. 2011 was a year of hope for me. I am so lucky to have a wonderful and accepting family. I am blessed to have Alex, who is my best friend and the person I will probably spend the rest of my life with. God is helping me and answering my prayers, He is here with me every moment of every day. I am eternally grateful. He is the reason for the season. Always.

My strength and faith has grown so much in the last year.
<3333

Writing

I'm writing again.<3


& also praying that I get over this horrible cold soon.

1

"Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.
Silently the senses abandon their defenses."

The Other

It's simple.
"Not him... the other. It's always been the other...."
Why am I just now realizing this when I feel as if I've known forever?

I was just too connected to the idea of love as a whole. My dream with the sketch, the picture, the painting... completing before my eyes and then I blink, the dream proceeds, I realize the paper is blank and the image I saw before my eyes was not the correct one. Everything, everything, EVERYTHING needs to be adjusted.


My best friend's words buzz in my head, like a beehive, an unmanageable mess.
"...old
..............lasting.....
wisdom.....
growth......... you.....
....before....
............without...... this
he...... normal.....
..listen
soul..... follow....
.....worry.... meant.... choose.........
be...... doesn't..... halves... your
before..... many.......
.....................two....
.........it...... heart... time
matter.... lasts.......... dreams......
.....knew.... past.... life.... deep......
same....same....same.....aura..... eyes....whole.. loss
.....comfort.... he... you.... same...... same........... same.....
..............I know who is right for you........
..........Same person."

Just scrambled words.... pieces of my puzzle.
The Other.

Love, Love, Love...

"I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts, with her delicate soul I don't claim to know much, except soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of... love, love, love... love. Love, love, love, love. Only thing I ever could need, only one good thing worth trying to be and it's....
Love
Love
Love
Love
I do it for Love
Love
Love
Love

We can understand the sentiment you're saying to us, Oh, but sensible sells so could you kindly shut up and get started at keeping your part of the bargain. Oh please little darlin' you're killing me sweetly with love, love, love.... love.
Love, love, love, love."

"You can't miss something that you never had."

This week....

This week is probably going to be the busiest week of my life.
And the countdown begins...

Did I mention that I'm not going to write about him anymore? I'm trying reaaaaaaaaaalllllllly hard not to. Haha.

Letting Go

“If I could but know his heart, everything would become easy.”

“I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ”


“I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.”

New

I am so blessed. Everything is falling into a perfect place for me. I am going to finally crawl myself out of this hole that I have been in for so long. I am going to start new and fresh. I finally have my own beginning, and I am going to make it a beautiful one. I know that I am going to be great and I only know this because I have God on my side. Prayer is the strongest force on this planet. Knock on God's door and he will always answer.

Life is beautiful and from this point on, I plan to cherish every day.

I am letting go of all things that are uncertain. I am now embracing a future that is steady and reliable over the future that is a dream.









“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”

Lovely November

I love the month of November.... for so many reasons. Today was such a long, ordinary, and simple day... but today I felt more happy than I have felt in a long time.

I am praying that I will have some clarity within the next few weeks. My life can take two turns and I'm open to either. Lord, give me strength to do what needs to be done to make my life more whole.


In other news....
ONE MONTH UNTIL THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! <3

Thanksgiving & 60 years

Well... I was so thankful to have almost all of my wonderful family around me this Thanksgiving. I truly feel blessed for everything I have. The threads of my life finally feel like they are weaving themselves together to make a beautiful future and an exciting outlook on the times ahead. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

And... Happy 60 year anniversary to Dominick & Mary Scanlon (my grandparents). They are two of the most wonderful people on this earth and still very much in love with each other.

My Love

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Anniversary

3 years.
Wow.

Silence

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."

Refresh

I wish I could clear my mind. I need to find the refresh button. Sometimes the very thing that you have wanted for so long turns out to be something you're actually quite afraid of.

I just want a sign, is this the direction my life is meant to take?

Talk

If we could just talk more than a casual hello, maybe something would come out of it.
Too bad I'm always so nervous.

Empty Words?

I wonder if he reads my blog. It would be a waste if he didn't.
Almost everything I write is about him....
Without him seeing the words, this blog might as well be empty.

Stubborn

Back at square one again, I think I might just give up. I want to stop caring... it's taking too much energy out of me. I should NOT feel the way I do. When I fall, I fall hard. I am such an intense person.

What is meant to be is meant to be. Hear that Camber? Leave it alone.
Stubbornness usually wins... so this is a wasted effort to try and talk myself into walking away from my emotions. You can't let go of an idea that makes complete sense. You can't let go of unrealistic dreams. And you definitely can't fathom the idea of not having the future that you would die to have. I need him to be my future, more than I have ever needed anything in my life.

Holes

My heart feels like it has holes in it.

November

November is the month that changed everything.
November will always be the month that is associated with you.
November is the most beautiful month of all.

November reminds me of secrets, hidden thoughts, and you.

Time

"From the first heartbeat struck within a vital body, a bell got tolled and the clock started to run. A bargain you weren't even aware of having made was put into play, with destiny holding all the cards. As minutes and hours and days and months and years passed, history was written as you ran out of time until your last heartbeat marked the end of the ride and the time to tally wins and losses."

Entranced

I am so entranced by my current book.<3
:]

I'll write a long blog this weekend.

Lucky

I am so lucky to have her as my best friend. I thank God everyday that she is in my life.

Twenty One

I am officially 21. I had one of the best birthday's ever. I'll write more about it later. <3

One Person

"I use to worry a lot about who I would be when I grew up. How much money I would make or if someday I would become some big deal. Sometimes the thing you most want doesn't happen. Sometimes the thing you never expect often does. You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. Then you meet one person and your life is changed forever."

Butterflies...

Something happened today that gave me butterflies. <3
Maybe he finally understands.

Three Days...

Only three days left until I'm 21!
:D

Oops... I mean four days, wishful thinking.

Regret...

“Let me tell you a few things about regret...There is no end to it. You cannot find the beginning of the chain that brought us from there to here. Should you regret the whole chain, and the air in between, or each link separately as if you could uncouple them? Do you regret the beginning which ended so badly, or just the ending itself?”

I want to live without regret.

Attainable

I have hope.
Maybe what I want the most is actually attainable. Sometimes your heart just makes choices for you. I can't control what I feel, sometimes you just know in your heart and soul that something is right.

He is right for me... in every way, shape, and form.

Oy

I'm in so much pain. :'(

Yay

I'm so excited for my birthday! HAPPY HOUR... HERE I COME!
:)

:)

Fantastic weekend.
<333

Happy

Tonight's going to be a good night.
<3

Countdown (2011)

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1 . I just want you to be okay so that I can move on with my life, I can't worry about you anymore.
2 . I am so proud of the person you have become, you are a better version of yourself. I would be completely lost without you in my life.
3 . It's ridiculous how much I feel the need to be around you. You are like a magnet pulling me to you.
4 . I want to make you proud. I wish we got along better.
5 . Karma.
6 . I hope you are always in my life.
7 . Remember those nights at the bay?
8 . I only want the best for you. I am sorry I haven't been the best person to you. I love you more than anything.
9 . I am so grateful that you came into my life. You are the person I want to become.
10 . Thank you for making an effort.

NINE things about yourself :

1 . I am very pale.
2 . I love Indie music.
3 . I have NO tolerance for people that do drugs. You're not welcome in my life if you do.
4 . Writing is my escape.
5 . I'm deathly afraid of moths. (Not kidding)
6 . I love my job.
7 . There's not enough time for me to do all of the things I need to do.
8 . I am confident with the type of person I am, but self-conscious about my appearance.
9 . I only sing when I'm happy.

EIGHT ways to win your heart , in no particular order :

1 . Have a great sense of humor.
2 . The little things matter the most.
3 . Be a devoted Christian.
4 . Have direction.
5 . Sing to me.
6 . Prove that you're worth my time.
7 . Have strong family values.
8 . And being tall, dark, and handsome doesn't hurt. :)

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot, in no particular order :

1 . Worry for my Mom.
2 . Moving out.
3 . Work.
4 . Love.
5 . The future.
6 . Family.
7 . Friends.

SIX things you do before you fall asleep :

1 . Wash my face.
2 . Brush my teeth.
3 . Internet.
4 . Write a blog or write parts of my book.
5 . Watch TV.
6 . Set my alarm.

FIVE people who mean a lot to you :

1 . Jazmine.
2 . Sidd.
3 . Alex.
4 . Rochelle.
5 . Family.

FOUR things you’re wearing right now :

1 . Pajama bottoms.
2 . Tank top.
3 . Glasses.
4 . Ring.

THREE songs that you listen to often :

1 . "Between the Lines" by Sara Bareilles.
2 . "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People.
3 . "Lost" by Coldplay.

TWO things you want to do before you die :

1 . Be successful.
2 . Get married and have children.

ONE confession :

1 . I push people away, even when I need them.

TRUTHS as of this moment in your life :::

1 . Truthfully … I need to be more respectful and responsible.
2 . Truthfully … When I fall in love, I fall hard.
3 . Truthfully … I am too emotionally damaged to feel anything other than numb when I am hurt.
4 . Truthfully … I wish my Mom would understand where I am coming from.
5 . Truthfully … I'm not ready to settle down.
6 . Truthfully … I am so grateful.
7 . Truthfully … I am much more mature than others my age.
8 . Truthfully … If you lose my trust, it will take a long time to regain it.

Work

My job is my way to get away from the stress of my life. I am so thankful to work with the people at my job, they all have the kindest hearts. It's amazing that for the first time in my life I've found a job that I truly love. I've been working so much lately, and I don't mind at all. However, I am looking forward to my vacation at the end of the month. It will be nice to have a few days to just relax and celebrate my 21st birthday. :)

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

My sister. I love her more than anything.

Reality

Last night was the first dream I can remember having in three months. And of course, it was the most intense dream I have ever had. I dreamed that he felt everything for me that I felt for him and for once in my life, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. However, I had to wake up and realize that he is as far away from me as he has always been and will probably never want what I want.

Wake up & enjoy a fresh dose of reality.

Love, Hopes, and Dreams...

If only happily ever after came in a bottle...

Costume

I lied... I'm not making my Halloween costume, I decided to buy it. Haha.
Vampire. I'm old-school.
It's different... it lights up. :) Bar-hopping in PB & Downtown the whole night.... I love that my birthday is on Halloween.

Shattered Pieces

It rained so much today and I am so happy. It was such a perfect day out.

I am so much more content with my life lately. I am finding happiness in the simplest things. I don't feel numb anymore, and it's so relieving. I am so blessed to live the life that I live and I thank God for it everyday. I have had so many struggles the past few years, but I finally feel like I am going to be able to get a grip on everything bad that has happened and let it go. I have to come to terms with my past and realize that I can't control everything and also come to terms with the fact that I can not help somebody who is not willing to be helped. What I can do, however, is cause awareness and prevent it from happening to somebody else. I don't ever want anybody to go through the struggles that I go through everyday. I don't want anybody to carry such a heavy burden and not be able to help somebody they love. My heart is heavy, but there is only so much I can do until I have to look around at the shattered pieces, pick them all up, and put them together again. That is what I am doing, I am putting myself together again.

October

Oh, my beautiful October is here...
Saw rain and felt cold for the first time in months. Lol. <333

Yellow

She is my favorite person on the planet.

Obsessed

Ergh

Okay. I desperately need a laptop. I have too much to do and I can't do it all from home. I'm going to go crazy.

Ready, set, AUTUMN!!!

Can you tell Fall is my second favorite season? <3
I am one step closer to my favorite... winter!
<3333333333

Autumn 3

Autumn 2

Autumn 1

Falling

Falling in love or falling out of love, that is the question...

The answer will change everything.

Happy

I feel so blessed lately. My life is coming together.
I feel like I can take the whole world on today.

Happiness is, letting go.<3

Relief

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I might actually get some peace soon. I had a very eventful and awakening day. I have been lost for so long now. I have hope that my life is going to change, and somewhere within this change I will be able accept my life. There is one person especially that has shaped me to have so many emotional problems and resentment towards others, my Mother. I am learning to forgive her and I am also learning to detach myself from all of her issues. I need her emotional weight lifted, I need to let go.

Here is the perfect combination to get through any bump in the road:
-Goals
-Strength
-Prayer
-Faith
-Perseverance
-Determination
-Support
-Clarity

I'm on my way.

Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break

As I'm leaving the one I want to take

Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait

My heart has started to separate


Oh, oh,

Be my baby

Ohhhhh

Oh, oh

Be my baby

I'll look after you


There now, steady love, so few come and don't go

Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know

When I'm losing my control, the city spins around

You're the only one who knows, you slow it down


Oh, oh

Be my baby

Ohhhhhh

Oh, oh

Be my Baby

I'll look after you

And I'll look after you


If ever there was a doubt

My love she leans into me

This most assuredly counts

She says most assuredly


Oh, oh

Be my baby

I'll look after you

After You

Oh, oh

Be my baby

Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold

You've begun to feel like home

What's mine is yours to leave or take

What's mine is yours to make your own


Oh, oh

Be my baby

Ohhhhh

Oh, oh


Be my baby

I'll look after you


You are so beautiful to me.

Chargers- Game 2

UMMMM, HELLO CHARGERS.... GET IT TOGETHER. Jazmine and I had to leave the room in the last quarter because we were disgusted. Haha.

The Saints and Bears game was great to watch. Jeez, I wish we still had Brees & Sproles. I am about to lose hope in the Chargers.

"For You"

If you're lost and feeling low,

Circumnavigate the globe,

All you have is hope.



And the way you seem to flow

Circumnavigate the globe,

I never seem to lose control,

With you.



Everyone of us is high,

Everyone of us is low,

Everyone of us is here,

How about you?

Your eyes are closed,

Your head held low,

Your eyes are closed.



Everyone of us is high,

Everyone of us is low,

Everyone of us has hope,

For you.

News

I feel much better today, still a little tired though.
I can't wait for the weekend, it's going to be a great one. My whole family is getting together on Saturday and I am so excited.
I had a dream, last night, that I finished my book and it was on the New York Times bestseller list for a year. Go ahead, tell me to keep dreaming. I'll get there someday. :)

The Never-Ending Cold

My cold is back... yes, the same cold I had two months ago. I feel a little better than I did earlier. I have aches all over, a migraine, and my throat hurts. I'm praying that it at least lets up by tomorrow.

Ugh.

Happy Birthday

Alex!!!

Reading

I know I'm a nerd because I read all of the time. But I also don't care. Reading is one of the most important things in the world to me.

<3

Yeah!

Writing....

Goodnight and Go

"Oh why'd you have to be so cute, it's impossible to ignore you. Must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well. Say goodnight and go. Say goodnight and go. Why's it always, always goodnight and go? Darling not again. Goodnight and go."

LMAO

Winter

It's almost Winter... Honestly, it needs to come quicker.
I am done with this heat. I need to move somewhere that rains a lot and is below 65 degrees all of the time.

That's all.

Refreshed

Went camping at Lake Henshaw for the weekend with my Mom, Skye, Cheryl. We only stayed one night, but it was great. We barbecued, set up our tents, had a bonfire, ate marshmallows, drank, and relaxed. "I'll put up pictures soon. It was refreshing to be away from everything for a little while.

I forgot how beautiful the stars are in the mountains. The lights are just too bright in cities, the air is too thick as well. I could have stayed up all night just looking at the stars. It's times like those that remind me of how thankful I am to have such a loving God. How could anybody look around at such beauty and not believe in God? I am grateful.

In the end though, it was nice to get back... I missed my bed... which I'm actually looking forward to jumping into right now.

Good night.

P.S. The rain, thunder, and lightening today made me smile. Good bye summer, hello beautiful autumn and winter.<3

Camping

I'm going to Lake Henshaw to go camping today. I'm so excited. I haven't been camping in 4 years. I think I'm going to get a lot of writing done while I'm there, it'll be nice.

Ink on paper... in the nice refreshing mountain air.

<3