Heat

This heat is disgusting.
Summer is the most nauseating season of the entire year. I can't stand the sun, I can't stand the heat, I can't stand the humidity... I don't belong in San Diego. I belong somewhere rainy, cold, and far away. I belong in Ireland.

Infatuation

Ever had an infatuation that won't go away...?
Mine has been here since November.

Writing

I REALLY NEED A LAPTOP.
I don't want to write in my room 24/7. I would love to sit at a Starbucks all day and just write and drink coffee... hello heaven. <3

I wish I could afford one right now.. maybe I'll just get one of the cheap $200.00 ones.
Ugh. Haha, or I'll just bring my desktop everywhere. That'd be amusing.

The book I'm writing is finally going somewhere. I'll keep you posted. ;)

July

Good bye July!!!!!!
:)

Had a great weekend by the way... that's all.
Oh & my boyfriend is amazing. <3

OH MY GOD!!!

Dear Camber,

First of all, I’m really sorry for taking so long to get back to you – life got ahead of me for a while there, and I’m only just starting to catch up.

You’ve absolutely made my day. It’s amazing to know that someone’s reading and enjoying the books – specially when it’s someone who’s clearly as passionate about books as I am! Thank you so much for taking the time to e-mail me, and for putting a huge happy grin right across my face.

I worked on an archaeological dig in Sligo, back in the mid-90s, but I haven't been back there since. It's stunningly beautiful.

All the best,

Tana

Tana French just wrote an email to me!!! I am in complete shock! Her stories are so beautiful and she is such a talented author. She is one of the writers that inspires me the most. I am so happy right now.

A City Serene-Comeback Show

A City Serene's BIG show is on August 6th!!!
If you haven't heard of them, you should definitely check them out on facebook and listen to their music.

Their new songs are amazing, the show is going to be great, don't miss it! :)

Friday

I am so happy the week is over. I'm exhausted.
I've had this ridiculously annoying cold all week, and I've felt like crap everyday after I get off of work.

It's going to be a good weekend... even if I have to curl up in my bed all day, watch movies, and drink Nyquil... haha.

Remember, I still have my anonymous blog thing going on.... email questions or comments to this email address: blogexperiment@hotmail.com

Attached

Alex is back from his trip. I missed him so much.
I am so attached to him today... maybe we can finally get things back on track with our relationship. He is my best friend and I would be completely lost without him in my life. It's funny how men can make a woman frustrated one minute and completely in love the next.

This quote is always the one that I put up when he comes home from a trip away from me.
I love you.

"Within you I lose myself... without you I find myself wanting to be lost again."

Heavy

My heart feels heavy.
:/

Love

Does anybody believe in love anymore?

Experiment

A friend told me she had an anonymous pen-pal. (LOL!)
I want to try it. If you want to participate in my experiment, create an anonymous email account and send a message to me. We can talk about life, lol. :)


blogexperiment@hotmail.com
:D

P.S. Feel free to email there if you have any suggestions or comments about my blog as well.

Problems

I wish I could be really blunt and say exactly what I feel all the time. I am ridiculously shy lately. I know that sometimes it is good to just put yourself out there and see what comes from it, but I am so afraid of what might happen. At least if I did that, I wouldn't be questioning every small detail of my interactions with him. Actually, I wouldn't be questioning any interactions or worrying about the outcome of any situation I'm in. I need clarity. I find this hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. I am NOT a shy person at all, I am extremely outgoing and confident... or I was. Maybe this is the new me... apparently I don't know how to talk to people. Social anxiety much? It's a problem. I've always been the type of person to go for exactly what I want in any aspect of life. This is driving me insane.

Who was I seven years ago and what was I thinking? LMAO.

Sidd

He's one and a half...
& he knows how to make faces like that.

I love my godson.

Hope

Hope.Hope.Hope.
It is the only thing that matters now.
Maybe you'll notice.

Familiar

"I, being, poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."


It's nice when the same familiar face always stars in your dreams.

Can't

God, I can't do this anymore.

You...

You make me so happy, but so sad at the same time.

:)

I'm going to stop caring... :)

Day 12 — The Person That Has Caused You The Most Pain

He knows who he is...

Soon

Believe me, when all this shit is over, I am going to write my heart out and say exactly how I feel. I am finally going to let it all out.
I wish I could blog about it or write in some way about this situation.

Soon.
Very, very soon.

Day 11 — A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

I'm going to start my blog challenge again... 5 months later... ;)

Day 11 —
My grandmother. She was the most brilliant woman I have ever known, there are not many people that can finish the New York Times crossword everyday without any help. She taught me so many wonderful things that will stay with me for life. The best thing I gained from having her as my Grandmother, is my passion for reading and writing. She taught me to read at a young age, and since then I haven't been able to stop myself. I would trade anything just to spend another day with her.

Weekend

I had such a busy, tiring weekend. Went out to dinner with Jazmine on Friday, worked all day Saturday... babysat Sidd Saturday night... after he went to bed, had a good talk with Josh and Jazmine. Stayed up until three in the morning talking and drinking. Woke up spent half the day with Jazmine, and went home and watched the 17 and under soccer World Cup. Now... I'm just going to clean and relax for the rest of the night.

I haven't been writing much lately, I've been out and about a lot. Great thing are happening for me right now. Prayer does a lot.

Insomnia

AHHHH! Can't sleeep! O_O

Happiness

Life is great right now, there is only one thing that could make it better.

If I Fell

"If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true? And help me understand... 'cause I've been in love before... and I thought that love was more than just holding hands."

Pray

"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." Peter 4:7

Stupid

I feel like an idiot.
Broke my finger today... at work. Embarrassing.
My middle finger... right next to my left ring finger that was broken years ago and still remains crooked. My hands are going to look terrible.

I have this ugly bruise under my middle finger.... and right now (while I'm typing this) I realized that it's going to be hard to type tomorrow with my obnoxious finger brace.

Sigh... this is my life I guess.
Lmao.

Better

Much better.

Fair

The San Diego County Fair is here...
It is almost my favorite thing in the world! Going this weekend.
:)

Beautiful

"Jane, be still; don't struggle so like a wild, frantic bird, that is rending its own plumage in its desperation."

"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you."

-Charlotte Bronte

Last Bronte quote for a while... putting the depression back on the shelves... where it belongs.

Wise Words

"You are, like, way too sad... Put Bronte down for a while and, instead, try some Nicholas Sparks. At the end, even though you're crying, you won't feel so resigned to fate, but, rather, able to pull up your bootstraps and surge into the future - feeling able to handle whatever is waiting for you..."

Thank you Elizabeth!

My Happiness

Alex, Jazmine, and Sidd give me all of my happiness.

They're all I need to keep going.

...and of course, my dreams... my crazy, happy, wonderful dreams.

Decisions

I feel like I have three choices I could make with my life right now.

Two are completely available and open to me.

And, of course, one of them I would have to put myself out there with.

Obviously I want what I can't have or something that is at least harder to get.

If only people knew what I really wanted... if only he knew.

Padres Game

Went to the Padres game with my co-workers tonight. Brought Jazmine as my guest, my work gave everybody two tickets. I had a great time. I hadn't been downtown in so long. I really need to start getting out more. Jazmine was such a great friend tonight... I'm so lucky to have her as a best friend. The Padres lost the game, but it was still nice to be around co-workers outside of work. :)

Instrument of Evil

"Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love."
-Charlotte Bronte

Hurt

Foolish.
Pain.
Stupidity.
Love.
Anger.

I'm learning.
I want to let go.

Quiet

Lack of entries lately.

I'll write soon.

Falling Slowly

"I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it loud."

I Am

"I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky."

-John Clare

Parks and Ponds

"Parks and ponds are good by day;
I do not delight
In black acres of the night,
Nor my unseasoned step disturbs
The sleeps of trees or dreams of herbs."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Excited

Ahhhh... so many things are happening!
:D

Remember Me

"Songs and smells will bring you back to a moment in time more than anything else. It's amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song or a solitary whiff of a room. A song you didn't even pay attention to at the time, a place that you didn't even know had a particular smell."
-Emily Giffin

Nightmare

It started with a dream.... well to be honest, my dream was actually a nightmare. My nightmare became an idea. My idea has become an obsession. My obsession will become a book.

Thanks

"First, stop referring to yourself as an “aspiring writer.” You might aspire to get paid for what you do, but you are a writer if you write… As a corollary, stop worrying that you won’t be good enough, or comparing yourself to others. Don’t let the idea of a novel overwhelm or intimidate you so much that you are too afraid to begin. It’s like training for a marathon. Nobody gets out there and runs twenty-six miles on their first effort. It takes daily training and discipline and desire. There’s no real magic to writing a novel or one method that works for all—it’s just a question of attacking the project sentence by paragraph by page by chapter... Write what you feel and be fiercely honest. If you don’t feel a deep connection to your characters and writing, then chances are nobody else will."

-Emily Giffin

Numb

Maybe people should know how much I don't care anymore.

Numb. Everything is always numb.

Mother

I wish I could take joy in Mother's Day. I wish that I felt grateful to have an amazing mother. But I don't and I never will. And sometimes, especially days like Mother's Day... it's hard. I wish I could make her understand how much she hurts me every minute of every day. But more than anything, I wish that I could help her. I need her so much.

Speak

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope."

Words

"That was the thing about words, they were clear and specific--chair, eye, stone-- but when you talked about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn't include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out."

Scarlett

Complexion of scarlett,
Still air.
Lingering thoughts,
Admit it.
Despair,
Radiation.
Simple and safe,
Comfort with desperation.
Longing thoughts,
Admit it.
Raw glances,
See you.
Loud ears,
Hear you.
Black hole named Chance,
Abyss... nothing.
Eyes, reveries, words, intensity.
Inevitable, change, everything.
Blush- burning.
Scarlett.

5/5/11

Incandescence

Ice will fever,
Long winters gone.
Memories,
Canvases open.
Chills are luxuries,
Crystal thread and fine points.
Spinning,
Ring a round.
White shades,
Round summers.
Incandescence might last.

5/3/11

Tattoo

"Remember it all, every insult, every tear. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind. In life, knowledge of poisons is essential. I've told you, nobody becomes an artist unless they have to."
-Janet Fitch

I remember because I have to remember, but maybe someday I will remember because I choose to remember.

Big Day

Alex is graduating from USD in three weeks!

I'm so proud of him. He's worked so hard these last two years at USD. He's graduating with a Bachelors in Business Administration (with a 3.6 GPA). Yeah, I'm bragging.

He only deserves the best things in life. I wish I could put into words how amazing he is.
I know that someday he will realize what a kind spirit he has and how much his smile and laughter affect the people around him.

Summer

I want a summer storm. They're perfect.

Scream

Most of the time, I just want to scream.

May

May reminds me of my grandmother... I miss her terribly. I hope it's a good month.

Royal Wedding

Charles & Diana. 1981


William & Kate. 2011

Rosie Hardy

New favorite photographer.

Better

We're realizing that we can be better people. Now we have to figure out if we can be better people with or without each other.

Inspiration

I want us to work.

Future

Can't wait to move forward.

46 Days...

Everything changes in 46 days...

Thank You

"The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the others welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life."

Quote 4

"We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."

From "Eat, Pray, Love".

Quote 3

"Feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good."

From "Eat, Pray, Love".

Quote 2

"Would you please come up here? If we just know that we have a screwed up relationship, and we stick it out anyway... we accept that we fight a lot, hardly have sex anymore.... but we don't wanna live without each other. That way we can spend our lives together. Miserable, but happy not to be apart."

From "Eat, Pray, Love".

New York

I want to live in New York. Right now.

Insidious

Insidious is terrifying.

Astral projection seems terrifying. >:O

Don't Let Me Fall

"Underneath the moon, underneath the stars
Here's a little heart for you
Up above the world, up above it all
Here's a hand to hold on to

But if I should break, if I should fall away
What am I to do?
I need someone to take a little of the weight
Or I'll fall through

You're just the one that I've been waiting for
I'll give you all that I have to give and more
But don't let me fall

Take a little time, walk a little line
Get the balance right
Give a little love, gimme just enough
So that I can hang on tight."

AHHH!

I LOVE BLOGGING. :D

Gym tonight.... so energetic! SWEET!

Bamboo

Chrysanthemum

Cherry Blossom

Painting

I painted today... here comes the pictures. :)

Sick

e e
O

exhausted & sick.
I want to die right now.
Can't sleep.

Rain

Rain is romantic....

Uncharted

Perfection.
I love her.

Sweet

"Writing on my blog makes me feel better."
"Reading your blog makes me feel better."

Smiles.

Flashback

So old. Wow!
Best summer ever.

Walks

Glasses of wine & a nice walk keep me happy.
.............

It's the little things.

Love & Other Drugs

"I am full of shit. I am knowingly full of shit. I have never cared about anybody or anything in my entire life, and people have accepted that... And then you... you didn't think of me that way. I have never known anyone who actually believed that I was enough until I met you, and then you made me believe too. So unfortunately, I need you and you need me."

Indifference

"The opposite of love is indifference."

Thanks, I'll try.

Please

I hope that I'm making the right decision.

Today

I don't even know how to explain today. To be honest, it was just as ordinary as any other day. I woke up at the same time, drove to work (actually got stuck in traffic, for once), got to work on time, went through the same rituals I go through everyday. But I was not there to go through the motions during the work day... my emotions were everywhere and my thoughts were on one person. I don't think anybody noticed, I talked on the phone to the customers the same as I always do... I didn't slack off or make any mistakes (but I felt robotic the whole day) My mind was not on work... it was so many places today, good and bad... refreshing and heart-breaking. Sometimes, I don't know what to do... I feel like crying or screaming but I can't. I just feel numb to it all. I know what I want, I want it so badly it hurts. I will never have it.

Snow

I need someone to go to Big Bear with me this weekend. :(
Won four tickets to go snow-boarding/skiing. Don't have a way up there.

Cold

I keep secrets to myself.
I'm full of hidden thoughts, desires, and wonders.
My dreams, most importantly, will never escape my mind.

Sometimes, at night, I wonder why I live the way I do. Why do I not tell people the things that I want the most? Why am I so secretive? Why am I so cold? Why am I so bitter?
The answer will NOT make sense to most people: I want to live my life with some poetic edge to it. I don't even know how to explain what that means to anyone. I just know that I have certain concepts that I find profoundly beautiful and I don't want them ever taken away. I also think that I enjoy living my life with a certain amount of drama. Most of the time, I don't want to know what is going to happen next. I need to live in my mind, away from everyone else. I want my secrets.

But then again, there is nothing I want more than for you to discover everything about me.... in your own good time.

Warm

I wish you I was in Hawaii right now.
Mmmmm.

Day Ten- Someone You Don't Talk to as Much as You'd Like

My grandmother. She's gone.
I miss her more than anything... she's the one person I miss talking to everyday.

Wishes

I wish I could tell you everything I want to say.
I wish I could explain my dreams.

Fast

Life is going by fast, this week has gone by so quickly.
I love my job, I honestly do. The company is such a great company to work for... and the people are amazing. I can happily say that I love going to work in the morning and by the end of the day I don't hate my life.

Turning 21 in eight months!!!!!!! Woohoo!
Sorry, very random blog... I'm just super tired and maybe a little out of it.

Good night loves!

Faithful Place

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!
Faithful Place came in the mail today!!!!!!!!!
Can't wait to read it.

Casi Cielo

I love coffee way too much! It is the best invention of all time. Best friend working at Starbucks= awesome! :)
Thanks Rochelle!

Day Nine- Someone You Wish You Could Meet

I wish I could meet Tana French, J.K. Rowling, or Jonathan Tropper. They are my favorite writers, they are my inspiration. I wish I could learn and grasp how they write. It's so beautiful, I'm addicted to their words, to the feelings, to the characters. I want more than anything to write how they write... FLAWLESSLY.

The Likeness

"Now that's a concept that's always fascinated me: the real world. Only a very specific subset of people use the term, have you noticed? To me, it seems self-evident that everyone lives in the real world- we all breathe real oxygen, eat real food, the earth under our feet feels equally solid to all of us. But clearly these people have a far more tightly circumscribed definition of reality, one that I find deeply mysterious, and an almost pathologically intense need to bring others into line with that definition."

Blank

That scared me, I can't lose you.

Lazy

I have a really awesome quote from the book I'm reading, but I'm too tired to type it up.

e_e

Goal

I wanna be Natalie Portman skinny by this time next year. But I at least wanna have a good beach body by summer. Doing a shake diet... today was really hard.. but cigarettes helped.

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
I wouldn't know... we'll see.

Ghosts

"The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe. I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always—take any form—drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

Dreams

"I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind."

You are my dreams. Every night, you captivate my mind.

Shiver

"So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you?
I know you don't listen to me
'Cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?

But on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waitin' in line, just to see if you care

Oh…
Did you want me to change?
But I'd change for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

So you know how much I need you
But you never even see me, do you?
And is this my final chance of getting you?

And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care, if you care."