Recovering

I'm recovering from a really bad kidney infection.
This week has been a living nightmare.

And on top of that... work has been intense.

Old Poem

This poem was written when I was 17, I guess it has a completely new meaning now. I still feel like it's connected to who I am. The poem sounds naive, inexperienced, and far away. However, it's still extremely special to me.

Written 8/8/2008:

So paint a picture of a potential love.
Ember skies and future fields of flowers.
A girl who knows a boy,
and a boy who wonders how well he knows himself.
The envious trees and the speak no- nothing stream.
Curious grass and an orange glow.
He fascinates her, she will remain a mystery to him.
The paint will rub on with joy and eagerness.
The truth is the paint is her hope for just one more day.
She will teach him new things if he let's his stubborn heart float away.
The boy from the painting has dark unsure eyes
and will not let go of his past.
All of his emotions are painted with a shakey nervous hand.
Carefree, humorous, and giggly...
the girl from the painting will show him that his spirit remains alive.
She loves him, even though he chooses to leave her as she is.
He knows why he can not, or rather will not be with her.
His heart will remain hurt, he could fall in love with her.
The painter finishes, and lays her work out to dry in the cold winter sun.
He spoke words that meant everything and nothing to her at the same time.
"And if I told her that I loved you, the memory of us would fade."

Real

Spending the night with my best friend. I need this.

More importantly, I need time to get everything together. For the first time in my life, I feel like I need to be alone. I want solitude, I want to reflect on where my life is headed. Sometimes, you can't help how you feel about somebody... even if it's irrational. The most comforting fact that I can cling to at this point is that God has a plan for me. Everything in my life has come together except for the romantic facet of it. Thank God I have Jazmine to knock sense into me when I need it. It might be a hard year ahead, but it will be one filled with lessons that I need to learn. I am going to grow into the person I want to be.

My feelings are crazy, intense, and irrational.

However, they're the most real thing that I have ever felt. I am not going to deny them. I am going to work though them.

2

"Night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses ...

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender
Turn your face away
from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away
from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night..."

Green Eyes

"Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now that I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you."

Image

The image I always dreamed of is here, but it's distorted.
Dreams are my reality.
Actual reality is a disappointment.... for now. I plan on changing this.

Chance

There is a man that I fall in love with every time I look into his eyes, but then I wonder.... will we ever make it? Is there even a chance?

What happens when the timing is all wrong?
Or maybe, the timing is just right.

Expected

I went to the doctor's office again today hoping they could finally diagnose me with something. Nothing. I am losing hope with the medical system. I went today hoping to have a resolution and left confused and feeling more sick than I ever have.

I need support.

Bad day

I am ridiculously depressed today.
It's even more frustrating because I can't pinpoint the exact reason why I feel this way.