Writing

“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”
― Madeleine L'Engle

My Strength

"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest." (Luke 12:25-26)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him." (Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)

Myths

"All myths contain a grain of truth, Ms. Lane. I've handled books and artifacts that will never find their way into a museum or library, things no archaeologist or historian could ever make sense of. There are many realities pocketed away in the one we call our own. Most go blindly about their lives and never see beyond the ends of their noses. Some of us do."

-Karen Marie Moning

The Road Not Taken

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference."

-Robert Frost

Dreaming

The feelings that I have are unhealthy and my hopes are unrealistic. At times the emotions are overwhelming. I mostly feel angry at myself for allowing my delusional mind to get extremely carried away.

My dreams are the worst.
When I wake up, I sometimes blur my reality with the dream. It makes waking up and facing my life all the more depressing.

Given the choice between my reality and my dreams, I would choose to live in my dreams... Every Time.

Turning Page

I’ve waited a hundred years
But I’d wait a million more for you
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours would do

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
Well I would have known
What I was living for all along
What I’ve been living for

Your love is my turning page
Where only the sweetest words remain
Every kiss is a cursive line
Every touch is a redefining phrase
I surrender who I’ve been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I’ve been living for all along
What I’ve been living for

Though we’re tethered, to the story we must tell
When I saw you, well I knew we’d tell it well
With the whisper, we will tame the vicious scenes
Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees

Learning

Love is everything. Find it, and enjoy every minute of it. It fades.

I'm back...

I haven't blogged in two months!!! Okay, well a lot has happened. I have been so busy. Alex and I are getting ready to move into a new place, it's a lot bigger than our current apartment and we're very excited. It's in a much nicer area (Rancho San Diego) as well. On May 19th, at the beach, Alex asked me the question that every girl waits her whole life to be asked. There is a picture below. We are very happy. Just wanted to write something short about what has been going on. I will be writing again soon. There won't be anymore two month absences.

Different

"I am too young to understand that a man and a woman can love each other so deeply that their hearts beat as if they were one heart, and yet, at the same time, know that they are utterly hopelessly different."

-Philippa Gregory

Familiar

"It's natural in times of great perplexity, I think, to seek out the familiar, and the high shelves and long rows of neatly lined-up spines were immensely reassuring. Amid the smell of ink and binding, the dusty motes in beams of strained sunlight, the embrace of warm, tranquil air, I felt that I could breathe more easily."

-Kate Morton
The Distant Hours

Letters

"It started with a letter.... For it is said, you know, that a letter will always seek a reader; that sooner or later, like it or not, words have a way of finding the light, of making their secrets known."

-Kate Morton
The Distant Hours

Beautiful Day

I don't usually love the sun... but today is nice. Lunch under the umbrella at work. I got an iPhone yesterday. Still obsessed with it.

Good Morning

I haven't written lately because I needed a break from sharing my thoughts with the world. So, I bought a journal. I've been writing often and it helps that my words are for my eyes only. I hope it rains this weekend. I live for that kind of weather.

I have some great quotes that I'm going to write out in a little, they're from the current book that I'm reading. It's called The Distant Hours by Kate Morton. Definitely worth the read.

Absence

I haven't written in a while.
It's been a shitty month.


I'll write soon.

Leap Year

The last time that I went through this day, I was 17 years old and about to graduate from High School. I feel as if that was a lifetime away. I am a completely different person now. For the most part, I think that I am a better person. At 17, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted from life. Life changed. Yet, I am so grateful for where I am and the person that I have grown to be. I am in love with the most wonderful man in the world, well at least my world. He is the light in my life and I wouldn't give up a single moment of our time together for anything.

Well leap year, I'll see you when I'm 25. Let's see where life takes me.
And February, I'll see you next year.

Distance

There's too much distance between the two of us.
I miss you, it's strange but I do. I became too used to the attention that you used to give me. Maybe it's all in my head, but for a while I felt like something was very real between us.

Henry

My love bug. <333

Sketch

Rain & love.

I'll take my chances

What am I losing if I lose faith in you?

Maybe I'm just crazy, but I'm not the only one to recognize this ridiculous chemistry. I feel crazy just thinking about it. Life is about taking chances, I'm not living under the heavy weight of "What if?". I don't have time for bull shit.

Tree Tunnel

My favorite place in the world. The tree tunnel in Kauai. True beauty.

Apathetic

I wish the rain would come back. I feel completely at peace when it rains.

I haven't written in a while because I feel as if I have been "going through the motions" lately. Mostly, I've been focused on getting healthy since I was told I have a kidney infection. Other than that, there is nothing note-worthy to write about. I'm disappointed in myself because I haven't worked on my book or poems in over a month and I haven't painted since before summer. Honestly, I've felt somewhat apathetic lately. I wish I had something to look forward to. I'm just venting, for the most part, I know if I took the time to look at my life and digest it, I would find my self content and comfortable. However, there are those moments in my day where I catch a glimpse of the life I truly want. The glimpses like to nag at me constantly. Which is why I am surprised that I have been so apathetic lately. It's most likely because I notice he seems apathetic as well. Just a slight shift between our interactions, but noticeable enough to me.

I'm praying for someone tonight, a person that has been distant. I know something is wrong, but I do not know the reason. I hope that you find reassurance and strength to make it through your current struggle.

Recovering

I'm recovering from a really bad kidney infection.
This week has been a living nightmare.

And on top of that... work has been intense.

Old Poem

This poem was written when I was 17, I guess it has a completely new meaning now. I still feel like it's connected to who I am. The poem sounds naive, inexperienced, and far away. However, it's still extremely special to me.

Written 8/8/2008:

So paint a picture of a potential love.
Ember skies and future fields of flowers.
A girl who knows a boy,
and a boy who wonders how well he knows himself.
The envious trees and the speak no- nothing stream.
Curious grass and an orange glow.
He fascinates her, she will remain a mystery to him.
The paint will rub on with joy and eagerness.
The truth is the paint is her hope for just one more day.
She will teach him new things if he let's his stubborn heart float away.
The boy from the painting has dark unsure eyes
and will not let go of his past.
All of his emotions are painted with a shakey nervous hand.
Carefree, humorous, and giggly...
the girl from the painting will show him that his spirit remains alive.
She loves him, even though he chooses to leave her as she is.
He knows why he can not, or rather will not be with her.
His heart will remain hurt, he could fall in love with her.
The painter finishes, and lays her work out to dry in the cold winter sun.
He spoke words that meant everything and nothing to her at the same time.
"And if I told her that I loved you, the memory of us would fade."

Real

Spending the night with my best friend. I need this.

More importantly, I need time to get everything together. For the first time in my life, I feel like I need to be alone. I want solitude, I want to reflect on where my life is headed. Sometimes, you can't help how you feel about somebody... even if it's irrational. The most comforting fact that I can cling to at this point is that God has a plan for me. Everything in my life has come together except for the romantic facet of it. Thank God I have Jazmine to knock sense into me when I need it. It might be a hard year ahead, but it will be one filled with lessons that I need to learn. I am going to grow into the person I want to be.

My feelings are crazy, intense, and irrational.

However, they're the most real thing that I have ever felt. I am not going to deny them. I am going to work though them.

2

"Night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses ...

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender
Turn your face away
from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away
from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night..."

Green Eyes

"Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now that I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you."

Image

The image I always dreamed of is here, but it's distorted.
Dreams are my reality.
Actual reality is a disappointment.... for now. I plan on changing this.

Chance

There is a man that I fall in love with every time I look into his eyes, but then I wonder.... will we ever make it? Is there even a chance?

What happens when the timing is all wrong?
Or maybe, the timing is just right.

Expected

I went to the doctor's office again today hoping they could finally diagnose me with something. Nothing. I am losing hope with the medical system. I went today hoping to have a resolution and left confused and feeling more sick than I ever have.

I need support.

Bad day

I am ridiculously depressed today.
It's even more frustrating because I can't pinpoint the exact reason why I feel this way.